Marilyn's Eulogy Given by her Brother Jim

I consider it an honor and privilege to share the life of my sister, Marilyn with you today.  As most of you know, Marilyn was a daughter, sister, wife and mother along with being a high school English teacher for over 35 years.  As we look back at her life, one of the ways to look at her life could probably be described in a book by Dr. Seuss, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go”.

For Marilyn, life started in 1950, as the third child to her parents, Dan and Blanche.  She was welcomed home by her older brother Dan and sister Janet, and soon to be followed by Carol, Richard, myself and Norene.  Life was an adventure growing up on a dairy farm in rural Kansas with six siblings centered on the family, farm activities and her faith.

However, her faith was challenged a bit in the very early years.  As her sister Janet remembers, we would go to church and set in the back pew with the holy water fountain directly behind it.  Climbing up on the pew, we would turn and play in the water, which had pretty stones at the bottom.  It did not take long for Mom and Dad to move up a few pews to keep us out of trouble. 

Marilyn’s first place to go was a two-room schoolhouse, about a mile from the family farm.   It was here that she developed a love of reading be it school books, stories or anything else she could get her hands on.

At about the age of seven, Marilyn made her first communion.  Not content with just the church service, she did a reenactment at home.  Tissue paper was made into dresses and veils and flowers in the yard including the dandelions were use to decorate the alter, aka the kitchen table.   Saltine crackers served as the communion hosts.  She went from baptism to confirmation in the same small town church. 

The next place to go was moving from the two-room school to the small town of Basehor for junior high and high school.  Outside of school, Marilyn was very involved with 4-H and become very good at sewing, cooking and participation in the county and state fairs.  Janet recalls it was fun to see how many items you exhibited at the county fair, as there was a relationship to the number of ribbons you could take home. 

As the years went by, Marilyn developed an even stronger passion for learning, reading, and doing her best.  Long before the terms became popular part of our language, you could describe her as self-motivated, a role model and mentor for others.  I would gladly admit that she had an impact and influence on my life in school and scholastic achievement.  It goes without saying that she was an excellent student and constantly received recognition of her achievements, including the Betty Crocker Award. She was the yearbook editor, newspaper reporter, and had leading roles in class plays.

She graduated from high school with honors and received a scholarship to attend Kansas State.  In 1968 she joined Dan and Janet who were already there.  Looking back, I can only imagine the pride my parents must have had at that moment as their third child headed off to college.  Four years later, she received her degree in secondary education to teach English.

Marilyn’s next place to go was her first teaching position in the small northeast town of Linn, Kansas where she taught all of the English classes for the high school.  Several years later when I was at Kansas State, two of my dorm mates were from Linn.  I asked what kind of teacher she was.  Their eyes rolled and without hesitation, they said she set high expectation and demanded the best.  If you wanted to get an A in her class, you had to earn it.  I would readily admit there was a lot of sibling pride in their comments. 

Wanting to take on new challenges and explore the world, her next place to go was a teaching position in Australia.  After an 18-month stint, she embarked on a ‘world tour’ going through Asia and Europe, backpacking and camping along the way.  It was her first opportunity to see the world.  She returned to Kansas in 1976 and just 25 years old, having gone from a two-room schoolhouse to teach halfway around the world.  Marilyn took a teaching position in Atchison Kansas.  It was here that she met a fellow teacher, John Sullivan.  It was a three-year romance that culminated with their marriage in 1979.  John says that Marilyn was the love of his life, but the truth is that John was the love of Marilyn’s life. 

Not content to stay put, Marilyn sold John on the idea to teach abroad, and together they could discover the world.  The next ‘place to go’ was starting their new life together in Wurzburg Germany.  John and Marilyn took teaching positions with the Department of Defense.   Their life changed the next year with the birth of Megan followed by Kathleen in 1983 and Erin in 1985.  For 30 years, John and Marilyn made Wurzburg their home raising their daughters.  During that time, they traveled every opportunity they had, including Britain, Ireland, the Scandinavian countries, Russia, Italy, Greece, Egypt, Poland, France, the Canary Islands, and even Kansas every other summer.  Marilyn had a sense of adventure to discover and experience new cultures and people.  The family had annual ski trips to the Austrian Alps and in later years to Colorado.  John and Marilyn routinely hosted and entertained family and friends from the states as they ventured to Europe.  Yes, even my family. Grandma and Grandpa Murphy never forgot the trip to Ireland that Marilyn and John took them on, although Grandpa Murphy did think the Irish farmers talked a little funny.

The last place to go was retiring to Ft. Collins in 2009.  However, retired is a misleading term for how they lived their life?  Almost immediately, they were volunteering four days a week.  Marilyn’s ‘retirement’ work included the church, the library and food banks.

At the end of one’s life, we can always look back and measure our accomplishments.  Did we make a difference in someone’s life?  Is the world a better place because they were here?

During Marilyn’s teaching career, she had more than 4,000 students pass through her classrooms.  Certainly in sheer numbers that is would be considered an accomplishment.  To get a true understanding of ‘did she make a difference’, let me share comments from her former students and teachers.

There are a few people who make a true impact on your life, I would not be the reader and writer that I am today without Marilyn Sullivan. She inspired me to dig deeper when I was reading. She would say to me, “Suzy, is this really your best writing?” and I would edit AGAIN. I never edit a paper without thinking of her, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without that.

YOU WERE AN AMAZING TEACHER AND I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!

Your classes solidified my passion for learning and most importantly the love of a good book!

I had a teacher who taught…me how to use participles, how to be careful when ending a sentence with a preposition, that the word alot is actually two words a lot, the hidden meanings in “The Scarlet Letter,” and that when you need help to ask for it! Thank you

She was one of the best teachers I ever had and I will never forget her.

She changed my world as a scholar each day she got up in front of our AP class and challenged us to be thoughtful writers and critical readers. It was in her classroom, in the second seat from the door (front row) that I discovered my passion for writing as an adult and believed in my ability to do so. She gave a gift to countless students over her years. My thoughts became short stories, and since college those stories have become plays. I am a playwright. And with every page I turn I will always remember the teachers who gave me the lessons I could not teach/learn myself.

From fellow teachers

She was incredibly kind and clearly loved her students. It was wonderful to have someone who cared so deeply about all of us and put in extra effort to see us succeed.

Marilyn was an exceptional teacher and a dear friend and colleague. She touched the lives of countless thousands of students.

From her high school classmate

High School was made a happier place for me because of your good humor, smile and zest for life....all of which were contagious!

Marilyn’s other accomplishments in life were as a mother to her three children.  She was supportive of their work, challenged them to do their best and engaged in almost every aspect of their life from school, to activities, sports, and the church.  She instilled a love of reading and a sense of adventure and discovery.  Further, she was almost impossible to beat in a game of Scrabble

When her daughter Erin was her student in her class, she told her that with the forthcoming parent teacher conferences that she would like to schedule a conference with her.  Erin’s response was, oh with Dad too.  No, just you and me. 

Her advice to Kathleen as she embarked on her first year as a teacher, “Your kids will be the luckiest kids to have you as a teacher”.

When Kathleen became a mom, her strongest supporter and confidant was her mother.  For all the questions of what do I do, how do I do it, when do it do it?  Marilyn was there.

Her daughters paid her the highest compliment one can get.  Megan, Kathleen and Erin are teachers today.  It actually goes further as Megan stated, “her techniques and teaching style became my techniques and teaching style.”

Above all, she was a role model for her daughters.

Marilyn’s strongest influence in life was her husband John.  Marilyn’s took John on her adventure and if you would, the places you will go.  The marriage went upon a deep love and admiration to a partnership that made the sum far greater than the parts.  Their support of each other to take on new challenges made them both better people that impacted the lives of so many people.  Partners in life, they shared a deep love of one another that truly cannot be broken.

Marilyn was devoted to Christ and the Catholic faith.  Not only were her children raised in the church, but also they became active participants.  Marilyn was a Eucharist minister and lectern.

I can share a personal experience with Marilyn and her faith in the church.

My family was traveling in Italy with the Sullivan’s, and after visiting 15 churches including 3 or 4 hours in St. Peter’s, we returned from Rome to Livorno late on Saturday night.  Upon getting up on Sunday, Marilyn stated that there was a Catholic church on base and that we could attend mass. 

As we try to understand why Marilyn has left us, I would like to read a verse from the Bible, the book of Matthew, Chapter 24.   ‘But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone’. 

We all believe in eternity and Marilyn certainly did. But the reality is our time on this earth is relatively short and we all feel that she was taken from us far too early in her life.  She will be dearly missed by her husband John, stepson Trey and his children, Trent and Ashlyn and daughters Megan, Kathleen and Erin and Megan’s husband Mike, Kathleen’s husband Jon and their two children, Tyler and Alice, as well as her brothers and sisters and many friends, relatives and numerous students.

So I go back to the book by Dr. Seuss and the ‘Oh, The Places You’ll Go’.  There are two verses that are a metaphor of her life.

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.

"Will you succeed? Yes, you will indeed.

Coming Home

Marilyn will be coming home from the hospital tomorrow and will be under the care of hospice. I am sad to say that her chemo treatments which at first were successful in the end did not do what we had hoped. I will be sure to keep you appraised of how she is doing. The doctor could not give a length of time she may have left as these things can be very unpredictable. Of course there are still prayer that can be said and will be greatly appreciated.

One more update

Marilyn was released from the hospital Wednesday afternoon and was admitted into a rehab center. It has not taken long but I am not satisfied with the facility at all even though it is better then most I have been in. I am going to talk to the doctor about letting her come home and have hospice come in. I know she would much rather be at home no matter what happens then be in this place. When I visit her tonight I will talk with her about it. We are still praying that her new type of chemo will work but regardless of that outcome I'm sure she would rather be home. I have been extremely pleased with all the treatment she has received up until the last 2 days. I will be sure to post more often and keep you informed. Erin and Kathleen are here along with the grandkids Tyler and Alice. Jim, Janet and Carol will visit this weekend and I will discuss any future plans for Marilyn with them too. Megan comes next Friday and hopefully we will have better news by then.

John

Things are not looking good

Marilyn and I met with the oncologist this morning (Sunday) and it was not a meeting we wanted to have. Marilyn's liver continues to get worse and will no longer tolerate chemo. He is going to put her on an oral medication but to be honest it only works in about 10% of cases. We will continue to pray that we will be one of the 10%. If however it does not work the doctors gives her a few weeks or a few months at the most. I will keep you posted the best I can as we go through this very emotional time.

John

Not a good day

We got the results of Marilyn's PET scan today and it was not what we wanted to hear. She has had some time off from chemo and because of that the cancer has advanced instead of retreating. They also found her gall bladder has some big problems and we will have a surgery consult for that in the morning. Once the gall bladder problem is solved Marilyn will have to go through a different chemo plan to try and rid her liver and body of the cancer. They also found some small spots on her lungs. When it rains it pours. I will be sure to let everyone know as we find out what we will be doing. Please continue your prayers and with God's grace we will get through this.

Had a PET scan yesterday

Marilyn had a PET scan on Monday and we get the results from that scan tomorrow the 12th of Oct. Today she had hydration and they took blood before we see the doctor. They found that her red blood cells had dropped to the lowest level yet and her hemoglobin had also dropped. Because of this she will get a transfusion Thursday morning. My sister (an oncology nurse) says it can take about 30 before the red cells start building after chemo so we are getting near that point as she had her last regular chemo on 13 September. We are hoping to get a good report tomorrow and of course hope to see a rebound physically within the next week or two. We know it will not be a wake up and I feel 100% better but a gradual improvement. Thanks to everyone who has kept her in their prayers.

John

A reprive but still tired

Marilyn has asked me to write for her again. It has been about 2 1/2 weeks since she finished her 12th Chemo. She now gets a rest from that but as the doctor and nurses said the chemo affect has accumlated and she is very tired. Her red and white cells were very low before the last chemo and it will take time for them to build back up. As they do she should start feeling stronger. There is a PET scan scheduled for Oct. 10th. and we will see the doctor on Oct. 12th to see how she is doing. As much as we would like her to have surgery to reverse what was done in March that most likely will have to wait and she will go on maintanence chemo. That will be much less hard on her body. It is still a long way to go but it has been almost 7 months since she was diagnosed and she is fighting hard. She wants to do things on her own and unfortunately last Saturday she tried to get to the computer, while I was out, and she fell. She must have caught one of her feet in her pant leg and landed head first on the floor. Marilyn has recovered well from this but I ask her to make sure she has someone around just to be sure.  We try to get out as often as we can, even if it is only for a short time.

We also had a wonderful visit with Ed and Judy Szczepanik this last Wednesday. They stopped by on their way back to AZ. It was great seeing them as it had been over 9 years since they retired and left Wuerzburg. Both looked great and retirement has treated them well.

We will be sure to post as soon as we find out what the PET scan says and what the future treatment plan will be.

12 Chemo is done!!

Marilyn has asked me to write this entry as she had her 12th Chemo on Tuesday after worrying that it would not happen. Last Friday her cell counts crashed again to their lowest levels yet.They did not admit her into the hospital but immeadeatly gave her antibiotics and we do that everyday for 7 days. That meant trips to the hospital on Saturday and Sunday as they had to be administered by an IV. She had run a temperature on Friday afternoon but it resolved itself quickly. When we went for #12 we were not sure if she would be allowed to have the treatment. Fortunately her cell counts had bounced back enough to let us do this. Now Marilyn will get 4 weeks off from any kind of treatment. She should get another PET scan in mid October and then the decision will be made to either let her have surgery or go on a maintanence level of chemo hoping that the liver will continue to improve so she can then have surgery.I want to thank everyone for their support and prayers. As Marilyn's strength improves she will be back writing her own blog.

Chemo 11 is over

Chemo 11 on Tuesday dragged me down again. I am starting to regain strength, thankfully. My oncologist said I will have a month free of chemo after #12, Sept. 13. Then modified doses starting sometime in October.

$75 a pill is worth it!

I have taken the $75 pill for over a week . I no longer feel so drowsy and drugged. I have more energy and balance. It's great!

Following chemo

Following #10, I have had a pretty sleepy week. I just got  a new anti-nausea drug (15 pillls for $1100). Thankfully my good old Federal BC/BS covers the cost now. Is it worth it? I think so; I slept less last nigh tand not at all during the day--and I'm writing a blog!

Chemo--Down!!

Here are a few of the facts from the results of the PET Scan, of which we got today while at my hydration appointment today. It said that the "the cancer has decreased in the liver" and that "the lesions demonstrate necrosis." The dimensions on the liver with cancer have shrunk, from one place from 16.1 to 11.5 mm. and on the lower lobe (right) the measure was 9.3 and now it is 6.8 mm. These measurements are comparing the June PET Scan to yesterday's. The results also show that the mass in my colon is shrinking. From looking at the pictures, it looks like the colon is more improved than the liver.

I'm glad that PET Scan shows the cancer to be shrinking once again. Maybe in the next week I'll have a little respite since I'll have gone three weeks without chemo and I'll feel a bit better.

Megan, our daughter, has now returned to New York after her visit here, she left in the early hours Friday morning. And I always appreciate the love and support from local friends.

...

Hello everyone! This is Erin writing, Marilyn's youngest daughter. Above is what my mom dictated to me since it is easier for her to talk that it is to touch cold computer keys (because of the neuropathy). As she stated in the previous post, she was released from the hospital early Monday morning, which made her hospital stay a total of three nights and today she had a her regular hydration. I got to visit her for awhile on Sunday before going to work where we were able to watch the Rockies game, just like we do at home. It was pretty quiet, seeing as it was a Sunday, in the hospital. I don't think my mom exactly loved the hospital food (not to mention it was their G-free choices) which might have made her enjoy the soups we give her at home a little bit more. Although she did seem quite adept at all the fun buttons to push on her bed that lowered and raised her.

Because of this setback, my mom hasn't been able to go to oncology rehabilitation. A fun little story from yesterday when we were all hanging out at home again, my dad told her that it was his goal to go back to rehab on Thursday, to which my mom replied, "Well, I hope I can go with you!" My dad and I are so glad that she still has that sense of humor!

I would just like to thank everyone who visits and who call to say hello, I know it seems small but my mom really does love it and she loves having different people to chat with! 

Home Again

Today I was discharged fom the hospital, and had my third PET scan. I will not have chemo tomorrow, now scheduled for next Tuesday.

Setback .

Marilyn has had a setback as of Friday. She has become very weak and wobbly. When we went to hydration on Friday they did some tests and her white and red blood cells numbers had dropped to a very low level. She has been admitted to the hospital and will get a blood transfusion today (Saturday) and they are also looking for any infection since her white cell count has gotten so low. She will probably have chemo #10 delayed but are not sure at this point. Hopefully she will get out of the hospital quickly but cannot be sure about that. I will try to keep this  up to date as much as possible and hopefully she will be able to do it herself.

John

"brain normal for the patient's age"

Yeah, something about me is normal! Everything about me is "negative" on my MRI. And that sounds prettty good. Since the object was to find cancer in the brain, I feel jubilant.       

I had one of my normal hydrations also today.

Yesterday John and I drove to Red Feather Lakes to a Buddhist temple--the Shambala Center. A beautiful drive to about 8000 elevation. We drove following the Poudre (poo-der) on the way back. Nice afternoon!

Only Three More Chemos to Go!!

Tuesday was #9 chemo--getting to be routine.  Yesterday I had the chemo pump removed , as usual, two days after the treatment, has a brain MRI, and my oncology rehabilitation--a busy, busy day. No time for anything but naps and eating in between.I don't have the results from the MRI yet--will post as soon as I hear.

Megan, our oldest daughter,  is flying in tonight for a week-long visit!! WE are all excited about this!

Home without any excitement

Hello, faithful readers,  Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am still the same, a little wobbly and vomiting this week from accumulated chemo. Now I am taking another anti-nausea pill and it seems to be helping.

Hair: everytime I comb my hair, I lose a half dozen hairs. My surgeon told me about the thinning hair. I hope I have some left when chemo is over!

Chemo # 9 next Tuesday.

Chemo # 8

Chemo #8 was yesterday.  I count each one as a milestone, and now have only four to go. We always meet with my oncologist on chemo days, and yesterday he said to have another PET scan right before my 10th chemo. That will be about August 8. Of course, looking at the PET scans is exciting, especially to see shrinking tumors. It helps to see the effects of the chemo and  everything else I've been going through. I am weak and wobbly from yesterday's chemo.

I have been slowly losing weight and the oncologist wants me to actually try to gain weight which is difficult as my taste buds are not working as normal because of the chemo and therefore my appetite is less than normal. I have had to start thinking about buying new clothes as most of my clothes are now too large.

Chemo #7

Chemotheraphy #7 means I am on the second half of treatments for now--out of 12. As usual I am sleepy and wobbly, but will get stronger each day.
I went to oncology rehabilitation today--an exercise program that will help me get back some strength and conquer fatigue. I look forward to going again in a week, and seeing how I do 10 days after a chemo treatment.

Something I haven't done in a very long time is eat at a restaurant--the last time was on the trip back from Texas in early March. Food is such a problem because I don't have much of an appetite and add gluten-free into the mix. Anyway, I have ventured out to two restaurants in the last week. I need to order something small and predictable.  It's fun to socialize with people most of all.

Just an Update

I'm sorry to take so long to catch up on my blog. I know I have a lot of followers, and I love you and appreciate your devotion.

Last week we were delighted to have old friends from Wuerzburg visit us, Stan and Ann Fraze, who now live in Indiana.We had such a wonderful visit. Ann cooked for us, and they both watched me go from hydration treatments. We also took a day to visit Estes Park, and Rocky Mountain National Park, one of my favorite places.  John pushed me in the wheelchair up and down Elkhorn Avenue, and we saw lots of elk and snow in the park. A wonderful day!

I am continuing hydration threee times a week, so I am in good shape to receive chemotherapy. In fact, I just returned from a hydration appointment. I am more and more active--last week I went to my evening book club, which was a first since I don't go out much in the evenings because I have an early bedtime. Last night we went to a "Living History" presentation put on by the library. It was Louisa Mae Allcott, and I just happen to be reading Little Women, so it was quite interesting. We gadabouts are going out again tonight--we are going to a monthly pinochle gathering--something we haven't done since January. I have visitors, but it is fun to see people I haven't seen in a long time.

Chemo #6 is over--halfway there!

Chemo #6 went smoothly, especially after my appointment witht the oncologist. He had the results from yesterday's PET scan, and my cancer has shrunk in all areas! It was interesting and exciting to see the photographic comparison--how clear it is to see what was there in March, and what is smaller now.

I am a little wobbly and weak from chemo, but John and I just did our cul-de-sac walk (13 houses) and that went okay. Another side effect from chemo is neuropathy--prickly fingers, toes, and mouth from something too cold. That side effect is strongest just after chemo.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers so far! You are all part of my happiness and celebration today!

Waiting Time

This is an-inbetween chemo week, so I slowly get a little stronger after the punch of chemo. Two days after chemo last week, I spent the day with lots of naps, not normal for me. As usual, I'm waiting for the next chemo on Tuesday. Monday I have a PET SCAN, which will show where the cancer is and we will compare it to the one from early March. Hope to see changes!

As the weather here turns to summer, John has had me walk up and down the cul-de-sac each day or evening, trying to build up my strength. I am getting stronger.

Tonight I am doing something I haven't done in several months: going to my evening book club. My bedtime now is pretty early, so staying out late will be an experiment. Hope I don't fall asleep during book club!

Round #5 of Chemo

Yesterday was round 5, which went smoothly. I am feeling a lot weaker today. After last week's blood transfusion, I was feeling a lot more strength. But the chemo is doing a battle in my body--which I welcome--but I feel the change.

Today I went to one of my book clubs, and I enjoyed a discussion of The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. This is a book I read over a year ago, and recommended to the club. Now after a re-reading, the book has even more meaning because of the impact on medical research. Read it!

While typing this, my fingers have been tingling due to neuropathy, a result of the chemo, so I will end now.

Transfusion

The house is quiet again now that Kathleen, Tyler, Alice, and Pretzel have returned to Texas. John drove them there, leaving Saturday morning, and flying back Monday night. In his absence, I was cared for by Erin and a variety of angels (dear friends in Fort Collins), which John organized to take care of me when Erin was working. It's nice to be back to normal. (Thanks to all of my angels!)

I had hydration Monday and Tuesday, and Tuesday's blood tests showed a great white blood cell count (I had a shot the previous Thursday to help build white blood cell/bone marrow--hurrah!), but a low red blood cell count, which could jeopardize having chemo next Tuesday, May 31. So my oncologist had me get a blood tranfusion today--two pints of compacted red blood cells. Since I will do whatever it takes, I woke at 6 today to be at the hospital at 7 for a 6-hour ordeal. I've just returned, so it's a little early to feel the effects. I should feel stronger and less fatigued. I hope so!

Chemo #4 is complete

Yesterday I was able to go through the fourth chemo regimen, which turned out to be simpler and shorter than the third one. Total time was about 4 hours, 45 minutes and Kathleen, Erin, and Tyler and Alice joined us with a little lunch from Chipotle. (That probably made the time seem a lot shorter too!)

Right now I feeling pretty good, a little wobbly as always. I've got the prickly fingers  (neuropathy) and sometimes prickly toes. I learned another side effect was "increased tear production." I haven't cried since the day I learned I had cancer, but a few weeks ago for several days, I cried just talking about treatment, missing the grandkids, and so on. This surprised me, like post-partum depression, and learning it is a side effect pleased me that it is chemical, not emotional.

Chemo Postponed

Today's scheduled chemo treatment was postponed until next week, Tuesday, May 17, because my white blood cell count is too low. The low count (300) is probably due to the previous chemo treatments. I was disappointed because I want that chemo to do its job. Now my whole schedule will be delayed a week. Darn.

The Past Week

My Mom asked to blog about what it is like to be here right now. We have been here in Colorado for a little over a week, and I have watched my Mom get a little less tired and a little stronger each day.

When we first arrived my Mom's voice sounded weak-- not as weak as it was in the early days (when I spoke with her on the phone), but much softer and break-ier than it is now. She took a couple naps each day (how she did it I don't know-- Tyler makes more noise than monkeys in a marching band) and she went to bed around 8 pm.

My Mom can't walk very well because she is so weak. My Dad prepares all of her meals and snacks and makes her several cups of tea each day. She asked me to make some soups because they are easy to digest. So far we've had chicken and rice, lentil, tomato, potato, and hamburger soup :) My mom spends the majority of her day in a blue recliner; she reads, naps, and watches TV from that spot. When she goes shopping somewhere with my dad, she asks for a wheelchair; if they don't have one she sits in the car.

Before this visit, I talked to my Mom on the phone, read her blog, asked questions, and endlessly thought about what it would be like to see her in this condition. Of course, nothing could have prepared me for it. It was a bit overwhelming at first. I have never seen my Mom so helpless or dependent on anyone. It brought me to tears each day as I wondered what I could do to help her through this; how could I help get this cancer out and away from my Mom?

I don't think anyone can "come to terms" with their parent being sick; it's just a gut-wrenching from the day you hear the news until the day you hope to hear that it's all over. But I must say that watching my Mom gain so much strength in the last week has given her and everyone else a positive lift and a better outlook for what will come in the months ahead.

On Thursday, my Mom, Alice and I went to my Mom's hydration appointment. It is the same place as where she receives her chemotherapy every two weeks. Since it was a hydration day, we were only there for a couple of hours. My Mom and I talked while she got her IV drip through her Power Port. 

This is a picture of my Mom at the hydration appointment, and it is the same room as she will receive her chemotherapy tomorrow. Of course, she will be there a lot longer than she was there for hydration.  We are all hopeful that she will be a little stronger after this round of chemo than she was the last time. There has been so much improvement that I think it would be really frustrating for her to be back where she was two weeks ago.

Today is Monday. My Mom told my Dad today that she feels like she has "turned a corner." She hasn't taken a nap in a couple days, and she seems well-rested and energetic. Keep praying for her because it's working!

How To Follow (and comment on a post)

Kathleen signing in as a guest blogger!!

My Mom has asked me to post a "How To Follow" since there have been a few people that are unsure how to do it, and have asked her what to do.

To Follow this blog, look to the right of the page... you'll see a collection of "followers." Little tiny square pictures of peoples' faces. Right above that, you'll see a google icon and a button that says "follow."

Click the follow button. Here is where it gets tricky. You must have a google, twitter, AIM, Netlog, OpenID, or yahoo account to sign into if you want to follow. Most people have one of these, so click on the one you use most.

If you don't have any of these accounts, you can create a google account. Click on the google icon and it will take you to a page that says sign in OR create account (at the bottom).

Fill out the form and create a google email account and password. Once finished, you will be a public follower of the blog.

Why Follow?

Following is the best way for the blogger to know that you are reading their blog. Sometimes people like to remain anonymous, but I think it's best to let someone know that you reading what they post. I think my Mom would love to have many followers; it's a great way to show your love and support for her during this difficult time.

How to Comment

Commenting on a post is something that can be kind of tricky to figure out as well, but it is a great way to communicate with my Mom!

At the bottom of each post, there is a hyperlink that says "comment (s)". Click on it. If you are not logged into the account that you "following" under, you will need to sign in.

After you have signed in, type your comment in the comment box. You may also have to retype a word that is hard to read or in a strange font. This is to make sure that you are a person and not a computer trying to put spammy comments on the blog.

Hopefully this helps. Again, I think my Mom feels great support from her followers and loves reading the comments that all of you write at the end of her posts. Thank you for following and staying with her as she continues on this journey.

Chemo day #3 over

With a new drug, chemo took from 11:00 to 4:40. It's mostly relaxing and a little boring. I felt good enough afterwards to go to one of my book clubs--good discussion and very glad I was able to go.

Referring back to my wild chemo dreams: I told my oncologist, and he said many people experience those, but it's from steriods with the chemo. So I had dreams on STERIODS! Not always a good experience--too real. I haven't had any for a while, but maybe they will start again with the latest chemo treatment today. Wish me pleasant dreams!

Getting ready for Chemo #3

I'm writing for Marilyn today as she had a busy Easter day with family coming up from Denver for dinner. She was very happy to have her brother's family here. Having visitors always makes her feel good even though she gets tired. When she got too tired she just took a nap. This week will be Chemo #3 and they will add a new drug to the mix. They have waited to give her this one so her surgery would heal as this drug can cause bleeding if the surgery has not healed properly.

The good news from my point of view is she is eating more and we have been getting her hydration 4 days a week. The hydration has improved her kidney function which is to say the least is great. She also is slowly drinking more on her own. I hope that continues after this week's chemo. We are hoping to see some postive results for the chemo soon.

Our oldest daughter Megan has come for a short visit and Marilyn has of course loved having her here. It has also allowed me to run some errands. Kathleen and the kids are coming at the end of next week to visit while Jon is on Army business for a month. I'm flying to Texas to help her come here with the kids and I'm arranging to have people stay with Marilyn during the day while Erin is subbing.

Thank you for keeping her in your prayers and thoughts.  John

Round #2 of Chemo

On the  more physical side of chemo, I am getting almost 4 days worth of hydration per week to make my kidneys and those other body parts with not a whole lot to do a lot happier.

Why I don't need to read books when I'm on Chemo

At first, reading books seemed like a good idea with all this "extra time" on my hands.Then after reading a title of some book I hadn't read, my dreams became the dramatic, detailed plot to match the book title (of course, not the book since I hadn't read the book) or a plot inspires itself because of some event I've read or heard about. The dream books are sometime so intense that they repeat and embellish seeming all night long.Don't suggest that I try to write them down (or think of publishing them )

I Would Love Having Visitors!

Some of my posts might not sound so hospitable for short visits with friends,  but quite the opposite is true. I would dearly love for visits. It is important that you call or email ahead, since I do have doctor's appointments and appointments for hydration and for chemotheraphy. So come on over and we'll share a cup of tea!

Slow and Sleepy

I wait hoping for a humorous and newsy feel to take over, but I  am dealing with nausea, vomiting, pain, sleeplessness, and sleepiness. Since chemotherapy last week, I am weaker with less energy, something I can expect will carry over for at least another month. Showering and dressing takes like lots more time, energy, bath towels, John's help. I hope that soon I will be able to take little walks, see our sprouting tulips, and dress myself! 

I expect that after the third chemo treatment (about April 26), I should be feeling stronger but about that time I will start an additional chemo, one which is focused on  the colon cancer. It will be some different, for sure!

We saw Dr. Moore, our oncologist, today. He wants me to start having a 1000 ml hydration IV twice a week to alleviate dehydration and--gasp--to start more nutritional and caloric supplements to prevent further weight loss.

Round #1 of Chemo

I can't believe I've haven't blogged more recently. I have broken my own promise and the implied one to you, my followers.

Cancer hurts, and the weapon of choice is painful too. I have been caught in the crossfires.

On Monday I had to go through "what to expect," some blood tests, a kidney PT scan, and some hydration via IV. I was seriously dehydrated. My first round of chemo began on Tuesday (Erin thinks I will become the "Tuesday group.") with more hydration, and then finally the real chemo. (Including hydration time--about six hours.) I left with "chemo to go"--a little portable pack still attached to my PowerPort. Today after about 48 hours of the portable pack, it was empty as scheduled, and I got it removed. So today I am unencumbered! 

Life with chemo is a little dopey; I have a hard time typing. I am sleeping or napping a lot, and, of course, whenever I am awake, John is handing me a mug of hot tea. So my goal is to stay hydrated and sleep.

Next chemo is probably on April 12.

I will try harder to keep up with the blog!

Weekends Are for Resting

Saturdays and Sundays are good for resting, clearing the mind of excess worries, and gearing up the what the week brings. That sounds a little like weekends when I has teaching, except for the hours of essay-paper grading. John often wonders what our lives would have been like if we had gotten this diagnosis about two years ago while we were still teaching and living in Germany. If there is an upside to this, I am glad it happened here in the U.S., and I am glad I got to see my new granddaughter, enjoy her and Tyler, before the diagnosis. Of course, that starts a lot of "what if" existentential questions, and I want to look at this a little more directly.

A Good Day

I have been without pain or anti-nausea medication all day, and except for some minor and surprising vomiting, I declare it good day. John and I take walks in our backyard almost every day, looking for any crocuses, daffodils, hyacinths, or tulips, and today we found over a dozen sprouts. That makes it a good day too! Before we left Germany, we ordered those flower bulbs from a Keukenhof supplier in the Netherlands, so after a long, long wait, we will soon appreciate our own little Keukenhof.

Yesterday was not so good: afternoons and evenings are sometimes difficult. I went through my entire pharmacopoeia, and fortunately fell asleep around midnight.

The weekend once again is free of medical appointments, and Monday we have chemo information and financial paperwork, and Tuesday is the real deal--chemotherapy, exactly three weeks after my diagnosis.

At this point I don't know what to expect, but I am ready to get this started. Send your  prayers to give me strength!

My Port Has Been Tapped

Very early this morning we spent a few hours at the emergency room because of my pain, nausea, and vomiting. After another CT scan, some blood tests, receiving pain and anti-nausea medication, ruling out other possibilities, the ER doctor decided my stomach, new to the recent surgery and my attempts at eating some solid foods were the cause.

During my stay at the ER, the nurse asked me if my port had been tapped yet. An odd question, strangely comical sounding, I thought. My Power Port, installed less than a week ago, had not been tapped. And so it soon was: I was able to give the blood for the blood tests, receive an IV with morphine and anti-nausea medication.

This afternoon I received two more anti-nausea prescriptions while meeting with my oncologist. He has ordered the first chemotheraphy medicine, and the first treatment  will very likely be next Tuesday. He explained the procedure, the time it will take, and likely reactions I will have.

Until then, it's waiting time again, and time to try another anti-nausea medication.

Home from the Hospital

It feels so good to be home. I am still recuperating and need pain medication. I miss the caring nursing staff and the morphine drip at the hospital, but being home is the way to get stronger.

My continued thanks for your love, prayers, and visits. I need them all.

Hoping to come home on Monday

Marilyn had a good day and we are hoping she comes home on Monday. We still take our walks down the hall and things are looking good. Wednesday she has an appointment with the oncologist and we will know more about her treatment plan then. She is on a what they call a solid liquid diet which still means very little to eat. Tonight she was allowed some applesauce and yojurt. Hopefully she will tolerate that well. If Marilyn gets to come home tomorrow she will be writing her blog and the skill level of writing will go back up.

Thanks again to all

Unhooked

Marilyn lost her IV pole today. This allowed her to get up and move around more freely and she could get out of bed without assistance. We also took several walks down the halls on her floor. Marilyn was also allowed to go on a solid liquid diet. This means she can finally have jello, pudding and even some milk and fruit juice. No real solid food yet. Marilyn has had no real solid food since Monday night the 14th. There is a slim chance she will be released tomorrow but most likely Monday or Tuesday. I know she is looking forward to getting home where she can again write on her blog. We see her oncologist on Wednesday and hope to find out when we can begin treatment.

Thanks again for your support and prayers.

Clear liquids

Marilyn continued with her walks down the hall and back. Today she went all the way to the elevators and I'm sure she wished she could get on one and go home. Clear liquids were given for the first time today. She is allowed to drink 10oz. every 8 hours. Apple and cranberry juice really tasted good. The solid food will have to wait until the doctors say that is ok. Marilyn has not eaten any solid food since Monday evening. The good sign today is that she is starting to feel hungry.

Marilyn did say if anyone wanted to stop by please do it in the afternoon if at all possible. Doctors usually come by in the morning and of course the nurses are always checking her vital signs.

Thank you to everyone for their prayers and support.

Up and walking

Today was a good day for Marilyn as she made progress in her recovery from the surgery. She was able to get out of bed in the morning and take a shower which made her feel refreshed. During the afternoon she again got out of bed and went for a short walk down the hall and a few hours later she did an even longer walk on short loop in the wing of the hospital. When I returned after having dinner we went on her third walk of the day on that loop but did it twice. Marilyn has enjoyed watching her favorite show Jeopardy.  She is in good spirits and hopefully we will have a more definitive answer about when she can be released.

Surgery #1

I'm writing tonight to let you know how Marilyn's day went. We were at the hospital by 7:30 and got her checked in and they took her to get her ready for the surgery. I was allowed to go which I was very appreciative of. The nurses were wonderful! When the doctor checked with us before surgery we got the first good news of the day. The results of the PET scan came back and there were no new areas of concern, just what we knew from the CAT scan and colonoscopy. Marilyn went into surgery about 9 and was done by 11:15. The doctor came and talked to me about 11:30 and said everything had gone well. When I could see her in her room she was awake but of course in some pain. She could control the pain medicine which was great. She sleep a lot at the beginning but as the day wore on she took less pain medication and was awake longer. She even got to watch her favorite show Jeopardy. Marilyn is sleeping now and if we can figure out the internet in her room she will write on her blog from there. Thank you for all your prayers and support.

"wrapped in love"

I won't know the results of this morning's PET scan until tomorrow, and tomorrow is also the surgery.

The absolute highlight of the day was a visit from my new dear friend, Judy F., who brought me a prayer shawl she knitted. Not only is it beautiful and warm, but it makes my eyes moisten to think of what a loving gesture this is. I am "cradled in hope, kept in joy, graced with peace, and wrapped in love." I also associate it with all the gestures of love and kindness bestowed on me by friends and family.

Pi/Pie Day

Dear mathematicians, especially Megan: I know it's Pi day (3.14). Read on for how it connects with me today.

Today we met two new doctors, my oncologist Dr. Moore and my surgeon Dr. Collins. Double new patient forms, lists of medications, my medical history, my family's medical history.

He had the results of my colon biopsy--malignant. No completely far-out possibility of something else. Pie in the face #1. The oncologist had me take a blood test (CEA--cancer embryonic antigen) to determine a baseline number now and watch for improved results with future tests. He showed us results from the CT scans, especially where the cancer is lurking in the colon and the liver. Yes, the liver. I thought liver cancer was still a probability, but it's a reality. Pie in the face #2.

He scheduled me for a PET/CT scan tomorrow. I still have not found out what PET stands for, but it will "generate high-resolution images" of the presence of cancer. I go to a place called PET Imaging (not a place to photograph your pooch, apparently). Tonight, in addition to my dietary restrictions from Celiac disease--diagnosed six month ago, and the low fiber diet from my colon blockage, I add no carbohydrates. Okay, no gluten, no fiber, no carbs, but it's one evening only--not pie-worthy.

He then told us of the treatment plan. Liver cancer trumps colon cancer, so we work on chemotherapy as quickly as possible. So I need surgery to insert a colostomy bag. Pie in the face #3. This will temporarily solve the colon blockage, at the same time as adding an accessory for the next four months or so. After chemotheraphy in completed, I will have another surgery to remove the blockage and resection the colon. I am quite familiar with discussing pooping/not pooping after visiting my two-and-a-half-year-old grandson Tyler. Let the jokes begin!

Later today we met with the surgeon, who scheduled the surgery for Wednesday morning, and who happens to be a colon and liver cancer survivor himself. Definitely no pies here! The surgery will have another purpose: to insert a Power Port to act as a portal for chemo drugs. When the wounds heal in a couple of weeks, I can begin chemotheraphy.

I am ready for the next two days! I will be home tomorrow after the PET scan and perhaps can blog, but I will be in the hospital recuperating from surgery for two to four days and won't be able to blog.

Send warm thoughts, healthy vibes, and especially prayers my way! Blessings to all of you!

Weekends Are for Waiting

After Friday's colonoscopy, we are waiting results of the biopsy. Is there someone in Fort Collins who worked on this over the weekend and knows something I don't?

I have an appointment with an oncologist and with a surgeon tomorrow. Really anxious for tomorrow to be here.

One More Time

Friday, March 11, 2011
There is nothing pretty to say about a colonoscopy. Since this was lifetime number six, I told the nurse that I should have a punch card (Erin's joke). No laughter. Oh, well, give me the drugs.

Dr. Durkan, my gastroenterologist, found an almost complete blockage in the transverse area, behind the liver. Of course, he took numerous biopsies. I now must eat a low-fiber diet (after always trying to get that extra fiber for years!) I love fruit smoothies!

Thinking about Ashes

Wednesday, March 9, 2011, Ash Wednesday

The morning started with good news: the ultrasound showed only fibroids, no cause for concern.

Today John emailed many of our Wuerzburg friends, and return emails began to arrive. How my spirits were cheered, remembering so many loving and caring people! And so many who were cancer survivors!

We arranged to speak with our parish priest today, asking for spiritual support, and thinking about the inevitable. We do have wills, but have never made end-of-life decisions. Cremation or traditional burial? I could never decide. Today at Ash Wednesday mass, ashes seemed so right. Before another second passes, know that we are thinking of the far distant future!

I managed to go to one of my beloved book clubs on this evening, and be normal for one more time!

"Have your husband come with you."

Tuesday, March 8, 2011, Fasching Dienstag
Dr. Podjahsky's nurse, Carolyn, called shortly after the early morning urine sample, and told me I was to go immediately for a CT scan at the Harmony Campus of Poudre Valley Hospital.
(Throughout the last twenty-four hours, John and I were amazed at the speed, efficiency, and kindness of everyone we worked with, compared to our experiences with medical care in the military.)

Shortly after returning home, I got another call from Carolyn, saying Dr. Podjahsky [His name is pronounced as if it were spelled Podowsky--it took me a long time to learn that) would like to see me for another appointment at 2:30 that afternoon. John had taken me to every appointment and test so far and had patiently waited while I went behind the closed doors.

This time when my name was called, I was leaving my jacket with John in the waiting room, but Carolyn said, "Have your husband come with you." I think I had a little quiver of apprehension; John later said he felt it was ominous.

Dr. Pohjahsky told us the CT scan showed cancer in the flexure (angle) of the colon, lesions on the liver, and growths in the uterus. To arrange the ultrasound, he left us alone in the room, to cry, to hold each other, and to wonder what the future held for us.
I would have an ultrasound that evening and another colonoscopy as soon as possible so that they could get a colon biopsy.

We left the doctor's office on this sunny, beautiful day, the day where so many people were having outlandish, raucous celebrations. The world for us was forever changed. The detail I remember is the chips of blue salting compound on the sidewalk outside.

At home, we talked about what we needed to do: tell our daughters, tell our siblings, and cancel several plans we had made for the months ahead. All of the phone calls fell to John: I didn't hear them, but know how difficult it was especially calling Kathleen and Megan. Erin arrived home, and she is one I could tell in person.

[I have had five colonoscopies in my lifetime; it is not something I have ignored. I had one in September, and had to have another in November, just four months ago, to try to reach an area that was uncooperative. My check-up in September showed normal liver enzymes; the same test now showed my liver was inflamed.]

The Beginning

Monday, March 5, 2011
We had been visiting our daughter Kathleen, son-in-law Jon, and grandson Tyler in Texas as they anticipated and welcomed the birth of their new daughter and sister, Alice Olivia. The thrill of seeing our hours-old granddaughter and sharing in her first days is beyond words: a grandmother's dream!

All through this three-week visit, I felt abdominal pain and fatigue. I thought I was suffering from heartburn and exhaustion with keeping up with 2 1/2-year-old Tyler. It was easy to shut out discomfort in the excitement of this visit.

So on Monday morning back in Fort Collins, at John's urging, I called the office of my general practictioner, Dr. Podjahsky. I didn't think I would have a chance of seeing this very busy doctor, but after explaining my symptoms, I got a late afternoon appointment.

After meeting with Dr. Podjahsky and a quick urine test, he found blood in my urine, presumed a problem with kidney stones, and told me to have another urine test the next morning and wanted a CT scan.

I went home and read about kidney stones on the internet.